Oscar, Stop Fluffing the Actors. We Know. They're Huge.

Photographers stalk them. Women and men diet to emulate them. Fortunes are made writing about them. Are actors still in need of an ego boost? Oscar thinks so.

Every year the Oscars run too long, and every year they claim they'll deliver a brisk, focused show. This year's show shuddered and stalled, jerked forward, braked hard, and gave out just as the Best Picture Oscar was handed over like an exhausted afterthought, a little after midnight.

What went wrong? Not enough Neil Patrick Harris! Okay, maybe that’s just me. Instead of trimming the program across the board, the "small fry"—sound mixers, film editors, short film makers—were rushed through their acceptance speeches. If there were two or three people winning one award, the mic was turned off after the first person finished, leaving the others to mouth thank yous as the camera pulled away and the music swelled. Did you want to say something? Too bad. We are cutting you off so that we can spend an extra long time patting actors on the ass.

I love actors. When Colin Firth’s name was mentioned, I was bounding into my chair so that I wouldn’t miss a minute. But not even I, avid Colin fan, need to hear his costar say what an awesome human being he is. No doubt he’s a great guy, but he (and all his fellow nominees) weren’t nominated for their work on Haiti or their giving personalities. They were nominated (theoretically) because they can act and did so in an exceptional manner at some point during 2009. End of ass patting. I just saved the Oscars forty minutes of air time.

So let the actors performances speak for themselves—and let everyone else get a word in edgewise.